you be the rhythm, and i'll be the beat

^{Good times in better} places

A couple of nights ago I went home and I was quiet. I just sat. and then the phone rang.  It was my parents. I got some much needed mommy/ daddy time and I told them about life and how things were going for me. So now I might as well fill you in.

My new tattoo goes on March first at noon. Thank GOD! Seriously, good timing for some ink approval from Ron. I’m excited about his excitement. Pictures are sure to follow.

I have good friends surrounding me. And even though friend relationships are hard and family relationships are even harder, it’s just nice to have people around you sometimes. Especially now. I’ve been so lonely that it’s not funny, but it’s been looking up. I’ve always been good at the whole “Chin up” mind set. One of my old managers at my first job told me that yesterday and I had to stop and think about it. If I have always had that positive mindset so effortlessly, then what on earth has been going on recently? So I decided it needed to change. Forcing your chin up is hard sometimes but as soon as you start to fake it, you feel yourself starting to believe it. My favorite teacher told us that all the time. Kurt Vonnegut said something to the effect of “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” I love it.

Look out for the Tiny River Family Band haha.

XOX

much love and more later

intuition

"I want to put out the fires of Hell, and burn down the gates of Paradise. They block the way to God. I do not want to worship from fear of punishment or for the promise of reward, but simply for the love of God."


everything, i guess, has changed. but i'm very happy about these changes. things are going good. i'm sad to say that i'm almost getting used to you not being around. not that that is changing how much i miss you. it just is meaning that somehow, i'm surviving on my own. it's good. it's inevitable. i love you, and that will never ever change. i love you guys.



(intuition// by feist)

A map is more unreal than where you've been
Or how you feel
And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what he might have missed out on
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
And how he might have changed it all
And how he might have changed it all for you

And did I, did I
miss out on you?

(i love this song. it's so beautiful. it feels like autumn)

super short

went on my first travel shoot at work today. well, second if you count the bowling alley in derby.... but it was fun and interesting and it was nice to chill with karen for a while and meet some new people. i think i've finally decided on my newest tattoo. so here goes!

If you want to complain... i'm not the complaint department....

sigh,


back issues = no sleep = waking up at 6.30a and going into work way way earlier than nesscessary. bad moods yesterday and today. i don't want to be, so i try to change it but it's hard to say the least. i wonder about the solidarity of my relationships and which ones i should take the time to work on and which ones i should just allow to crumble. my heart breaks when i breathe sometimes. life just overwhelms.

Где мы падаем?

ahh, being an adult. living life in the wide open with no where but up. (only because you're already at the bottom.

I have been going through all of the writings i had in my google documents. ew. some of them were things that didn't matter, some of them were things i was really happy that i still had and some of them were just the angry shadows of a life far past where i am now. i also found half of the stories i wrote for creative writing in high school. it was really interesting to go through and read all of those.

Boyfriend and i hung out last night. he was very quiet and distant which made me sad. i really wanted to help but i had the feeling that there was nothing i could do to make anything better so i didn't ask.
he's been going through some crap with school to the point where they didn't let him enroll in any classes. so he isn't gonna go to school anymore cause he will have lost his financial aid by the time school starts back up again in the fall. so he's planning on going back over to Europe this summer. I'm battling with being really excited for him and really loathing Europe for being cool and beautiful at all. sigh. it will all work out in the end.

just got all my tax stuff from my last job and my current job. still waiting for someone to get back to be from the theatre. knowing that place, it'll be quite a while.

my roommate and i are planning on getting a house with her brother and maybe another friend here in march or may, depending on finances of course. I'm not so sure about it though. i may tell her that i want to stay at my apartment and just come visit them all the time. i am so missing having my own place. it really was nice to know exactly where i placed everything. and even though i enjoy washing dishes, i don't enjoy doing every dish we own every three days. especially when I'm at work for the majority of those three days and never lay a finger to muss up those dishes. sigh. yes, i have some issues. I'm trying to work on that.

i have done nothing artistic in days. it drives me crazy to know that i have these abilities and not enough time in the days or weeks to do anything about it. its funny though because all of the good ideas that come to me, come to me during my commute to or from work (which from beginning to end, depending on stoplights and traffic, ends up being from 30 to 45 minutes). so when i get to work, there really isn't anything i can do about wanting to draw or write. I'm there to work! and when i get home i have countless other things i need to do, which brings me back to living alone again... i long for it. i miss making my own plans and coming home to a less grumpy than normal cat and even though i really never had any food in the house, i always was happy. i always had time to paint. now, i can only paint from 1p to 3p or from 9p to whenever i go to sleep because the baby likes to get into my stuff and there isn't any room on the kitchen table (even if there was, it wouldn't stop Aaron from climbing a chair and getting his little baby fingers all over the place) and no room anywhere else. I've always preferred painting in the living room anyway. ask my mother. paint on the rug and paint on the chairs and paint on all of my clothes, always. it was almost a guarantee.

i miss those days.

nowhere but up from here...

good luck with the climb

I'm Good, You're Gone

Gotta love a good song title pun.

Well, My parents just left the country. And as the World Travellers they are, I know that they'll be fine. It's all cool i guess, even though most people i know who are my age still live with their parents. I guess this just makes me a bit different. Which is kind of what I've always wanted. Not for my parents to leave the country to make me different, I just wanted to be different. I am kind of strange when it comes down to your average nineteen year old girl from Kansas. Born here in good ol' wheat country, moved out to Oklahoma when i was six. We moved to Tallinn, Estonia when I was nine (September 28th 2001 to be specific. I was hanging out with an old friend and she showed me a letter i wrote in orange crayon, two days before we left) We lived there for three years then we came back to our roots here in the excellence that is the ICT and I have been here since. That's seven years this June. It feels like much less than that.

Anyways, like i said, I'm just a young'un but i am doing pretty well as of now. My best friend just moved in with me after a rather large, ongoing crap-fest that was her marriage. She and her son moved in about two months ago and even though some people say it probably isn't the best idea for me to have roommates, i love it. They say i shouldn't have roommates because in my last living situation.... well, lets just say it didn't work out so well. But I love having them around. It's much less lonely.

I work at a photography studio, I paint, I draw on everything and i am growing my tattoo collection slowly but surely.  I just recently (1/11/11) got a new one on my right thigh. It's a design I've wanted for a while that my ever talented father put on paper for me. It is seriously the most beautiful thing and i couldn't have even imagined it better. My brother is (finally!) going to get his first tattoos, the sun and the moon on his shoulder blades. i don't think anyone has ever told him that the shoulder blades are sensitive and he is going to have much-o pain. But I think it will be worth it to him. He wants to get wings that are clouds with words raining down, and I'm sure he wants more, I'm just not so sure what the "more" is yet.
My next ones though are going to be pretty tender though, so i really can't say anything about him if he shows signs of pain. I did the top of my foot when I first got my machine and right after i broke up with my horrible ex and i love the idea of what it means, but i don't like it on my foot anymore. It's gotten all faded and it just isn't what i want anymore, so I'm getting a beautiful rose cover up for that and then i am going to get something beautiful as a wrap-around on my shoulder. I can't wait :) Tattoos are my favorite.
My boyfriend wants to get a 'stach tattoo on his finger ha ha. Good times. He's wonderful :)
I should probably go do something productive now. More later.


Much Love.


PS. Started a 365 art project. maybe i'll post somethings sometimes.